Always Remote

I have an account on LinkedIn under my real name because I’m quietly looking for another job, and I saw a post by some asshole¹ who thinks the weather has something to do with remote work preferences.

In the midst of a harsh winter, would you rather commute to the office or work from home?

America’s work habits are constantly evolving, and over the past two years LinkedIn’s Workforce Confidence Index has been tracking the mix between onsite, hybrid and remote work. It’s no surprise that with the easing of pandemic-era restrictions, onsite work generally has been gaining favor, while remote-only arrangements become less common

But even long-running trends can reverse course occasionally. That’s what’s happened lately – as remote work’s popularity has perked up, at least briefly. We saw a similar upturn a year ago, which invites the question: Is there a seasonal dimension to everyone’s choice of where they work?

It doesn’t matter to me if it’s a harsh winter or a mild one. Likewise, I don’t care if it’s a hot summer or a mild one: I will always prefer remote work.

It’s easy to talk big about going back to the office when you actually have an office to which to return, but that’s not the case for me. I’d be leaving my office at home to sit at a shared desk in an open plan space.

Why would I want to do that?

Why would I want to risk being one of the 40,000 who die in traffic every year in the US?

Why would I want to risk getting infected with a COVID-19 variant for which no vaccine yet exists?

Why would I want to spend at least thirty minutes each way driving to a sterile building to do work I can do remotely and not get paid for that work?

Why should I spend the vast majority of my waking hours among strangers that I have no interest in befriending? Hell, why would I even want to befriend my coworkers if we’re not in a union?

Don’t give me any bullshit about collaboration, culture, serendipity, or innovation. I don’t believe a word of it, and even if I thought bosses were sincere when they started in on that bullshit, none of it matters to me. I don’t give a single little fucking shit about the company’s culture or mission.

When I’m at work, I care about two things only.

Do I take this stance out of some desire to play the iconoclast? No. I’m a mercenary by necessity. I don’t live in a world where a “company man” can hope to prosper through decades of faithful service. That world is dead and gone; I didn’t even grow up in that world, and I refuse to pretend otherwise.

Even that isn’t the real reason I will always prefer remote work now that I’ve had a taste. The real reason comes down to three words.

MY LIFE MATTERS.

I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t want to waste what time I have left on pointless commutes to some temple of glass and concrete where instead of doing something resembling meaningful work I enact empty rituals to propitiate a corporation’s household gods.

So if you want to collaborate, do it on a golf course or over a three-drink lunch. Leave me alone. I’ve got work to do and I don’t need you leaning over my shoulder while I do it.

And if that attitude offends you, then go run your little world without my help. I can always find somebody more reasonable in need of a reliable programmer.