Corporate English’s penchant for euphemism has always grated on me. I understand that there are reasons why business-speak often feels Orwellian, and I play the game to the extent that I can bear to. Nevertheless, I don't feel obligated to like it, though I keep my opinions to myself at work. Unfortunately for you, Occasional Reader, I’m not at work right now.
One phrase that has particularly annoyed me of late is “let’s connect”. Whenever I encounter it, I must throttle the impulse to reply, “let’s not, asshole”. After all, I most often hear it from Indian coworkers, and this might be a quirk of Indian English, the way they will say they have ‘doubts’ when they mean ‘questions’. It is tiresome, however, to have to consider where others are coming from and be charitable out their intentions. I don’t get paid for this sort of emotional labor.
I find “let’s connect” to be a profoundly dehumanizing expression. I connect speakers to my stereo. I connect my computer to my screen. I connect my laptop to wifi. But I do not want to "connect" with other people. I am not a machine. You are not a machine, either — or, at least, I hope you aren’t.
If you want to talk to me, say so. Schedule a call. Or email me, because it is probable that you’re only reaching out to me because you want something, and I already have work to do, so if you insist on making your request via a phone call I’m just going to email you and ask you to confirm that I understood your request. Or, since you’ve already commanded my attention on Slack, just tell me what you want.
Is it really that hard? If we’re going to speak euphemistically then let’s save it for when it actually matters, like when we’re impoverishing entire populations or engaging in human rights violations to further enrich our bosses. There is only so much bullshit I am willing to tolerate during a working day before my brain stages a wildcat strike. Work under totalitarian capitalism in the USA is already alienating; why make it worse? Don’t waste your doublespeak allowance on requests that I make time for Zoom calls.
And for the love of Hell, don’t ping me on Slack merely to say ‘hello’. I know it’s supposed to be friendly, but I’m not your friend. Nor am I part of your community since we don’t work in a union shop, and you engage in selective deafness whenever I suggest unionizing. Open with ‘hello’ if you must, but if you wait for me to reply before getting to the point I will simply ignore you and go back to work. Do this three times and I’ll mute you, organizational hierarchy and professional consequences be damned.