Single? Looking? Why Not Make a /dating Page?

Instead of using an app that makes more money if you stay single, why not use your website for online dating?

I’m happily married to my wife, Catherine Gatt, and I have no intention of screwing it up, so I probably won’t need to bother with online dating any time soon. Nevertheless, I am neither blind nor deaf so I see just how miserable an experience online dating has become for most people thanks to apps owned by Match Group and their competitors that make more money the longer people stay single even though they’d rather not be single.

What if there was a better way? That’s what some techies have been asking themselves and each other. Their answer: “date me” documents shared via Google Docs. Either that, or they seem to be using LinkedIn to date. I’m not convinced either of these are an improvement. Mainly because there’s nothing wrong with Match Group and their competitors, Google, or LinkedIn that can’t be fixed by an asteroid strike as long as one isn’t too squeamish about collateral damage.

What, then, is the answer? Go back to meeting people in person? Depend on introductions from friends and family? Ask people out at the gym or at work? Engage a professional matchmaker?

These might all be viable solutions for some people, especially if they’re conventionally attractive and charismatic, but they’re not methods I would use. I did my online dating in the Elder Days before OKCupid, let alone Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Feeld, Grindr, etc. I met Catherine on a Yahoo! forum in 2000. I emailed her to talk about writing because I liked something she had written about imagination. We ended up talking about more than writing. Then we decided we should meet in person. Then she kissed me. A lot of other stuff happened, among them her sending me to bed without supper because I had crashed after three sleepless days fueled by jet lag and excitement over finally meeting a woman I had been courting over email for two years at that point. In 2004 we got married. This Halloween will be our twentieth anniversary.

Of course, none of that helps you. To start with, Yahoo! Groups shut down over a decade ago. While you could post personal ads on Reddit or Craigslist, that’s not what I’d want to do either.

I don’t know if this would work for anybody else, and it might not even work for me, but if I was single today and wanted to not be single, I would start with this very /dating page. I mean, people who run personal websites have slash pages for all sorts of stuff, so why not one for a dating profile?

Hear me out. Why shouldn’t your dating profile be under your control on your website? Instead of conforming to a template you can make it your own, a self-portrait that represents you to people who might want to get to know you or people who know somebody who might want to get to know you. Such people could read this page and contact you by whatever method you provide: like email, for example. You could email each other for a bit, and get a little more comfortable with each other. Eventually you might exchange pictures or — since it’s 2024 — do a video call.

If that works out, perhaps you might eventually decide you want to meet in person. Pick a public location, tell your friends where you’ll be, and arrange for them to call you at a pre-arrange time to check on you. If the meeting’s working out, you can tell them so. If not, the call gives you an out or a way to call for help if it’s gone truly bad. But if it’s gone well and you both enjoyed yourselves, then that’s your first date. You should be able to figure it out from there.

Of course, there’s the question of what to put on your /dating page. Before I make suggestions, it bears mentioning that I am by no means an expert in dating or relationships. I’m not a psychologist or a therapist. My sole qualification is that I’m still on my first marriage, I’ve been married almost 20 years, and that before my wife and I got married we courted over email and phone calls across 10,000 miles for about four years.

A Sample /dating Page

If I were single and looking to date in 2024, I might start with the following structure in my /dating page, because these are all things my wife and I talked about before we even met in person, let alone got married.

Your Current Situation

This is a general, at-a-glance overview of who you are and where you’re at. We’ll get into details later on.

Name
Use the name on your government-issued ID or your preferred name/alias.
Gender
No need to overthink this. Most people can just use their biological sex (male/female). Transgender, non-binary, agender, genderfluid, and genderqueer people can provide additional detail here, including preferred pronouns. Likewise, if you’re comfortable describing your gender presentation (butch, femme, etc.) you can add that here.
Age
You need not give an exact year. You can say you’re over 18. You can say you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, etc. You can say you’re a young adult, middle-aged, or a senior.
Orientation
Are you straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, bicurious, or pansexual? How about somewhere aromantic/asexual spectrum? Are you kinky or vanilla? Are you a dom or domme, a sub, or a switch? Here’s where you give a short and general description of what gets you going. Remember: details come later.
Availability
If you’re single, this is fairly straightforward. However, if you’re legally separated, you might want to mention this. Some people might be OK with dating somebody who is separated but not yet offically divorced, but others might not be. If you’re a widow or a widower, you might want to mention this as well, particularly if you’d prefer to date people in a similar situation. If you’re married but looking, you should definitely disclose this, whether you are seeking an affair with your spouse’s knowledge and consent or not, because people have a right to know what they’re getting into.
Relationship Goals
Are you looking to get married? Do you just want a lover? Are you looking for a one night stand? How about a friend with whom you occasionally have sexy fun if you’re both otherwise unattached and in the same town? Try to keep it short here because you can go into greater detail later on, but there’s no wrong answer here as long as you’re honest.
Conversely, if you want to have sex by the third date to avoid spending too much time with somebody with whom you’re not sexually compatible, being up front about it might save you some frustration and disappointment.
Height
You should be honest, but you need not be precise. Instead of giving your height in feet/inches or in centimeters, maybe a general descriptor like ‘tall’ or ‘short’?
Build
Instead of giving a weight in pounds or mass in kilograms, maybe a general description of your build might be better? You should still be honest; don’t claim a build you used to have, or wish you had right now, or hope to have someday. If you’re skinny or fat, own it. If you’re working on it, say so.
Location
Where do you live? You need not give precise information like an ICBM address for your house or apartment building/complex; your city and state/province/country will do.
Preferred Range
How far afield are you willing to go to meet somebody? Do you want to meet somebody in the same town/city? How about the same state/province? Maybe the same country? How about the same continent or even the whole planet? Be honest; if you’re not open to a long-distance relationship you should probably indicate that you prefer prospective partners who live in the same town or city as you.
Health Status
Do you have any STIs? When were you last tested? Can you provide test results if asked? How about fertinity problems, if you are comfortable disclosing them?
Substance Usage
Do you smoke or vape tobacco or cannabis? Do you drink alcohol? Do you use other recreational drugs, regardless of their legality where you live? Be honest as you can without incriminating yourself.

What You Offer

This is where I would try to give potential dates (or their friends and relatives who might set something up) a sense of who I am and what I’m like. More detail is probably better, but one should be selective and concise to avoid boring or confusing people. Nevertheless, this is the place to talk yourself up, to show people why you’re a catch. Some people might mistake you for trash regardless of your efforts, and that says more about them than it does about you, but to those with a discerning eye you can still prove yourself a treasure.

Occupation
Like it or not, this is America, and one of the first questions people will ask is what you do for a living. Might as well get that out of the way first. How do you earn your living? Is it a day job or a career? Do you think you make good money, or do you think you can do better? If you’re unsatisfied with your current situation, what are you doing to improve it? If you find that your work is meaningful or beneficial to the wider world, tell people why you think so. If you’re passionate about what you do to pay the bills, show it. If you’re only in it for the money and seek fulfillment elsewhere, you should say so as well.
Education
Did you go to college or trade school? Did you get a degree or drop out? If you didn’t finish high school, did you get your GED? If you didn’t go to a prestigious university or get a doctorate, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid or ignorant. I’m a college dropout myself, and yet I’ve earned a living as a self-taught developer and sysadmin while writing and publishing novels. My wife is also a college dropout, and insists I’m smarter than she is, but she’s better with people than I am and she’s as capable of looking things up if she isn’t knowledgeable about a given subject as I am.
Just be honest so that you can meet people more likely to be your match, and don’t get too hung up on where somebody went to school or how far they got. Good Will Hunting might be a Hollywood fantasy romance, but you’d be surprised at how sharp or well-read a person who didn’t graduate summa cum laude from an Ivy League university can be.
Besides, the brain is reputedly your biggest sex organ; so show people that you use it. Do you have a library card? How often do you use it? Are you the sort who will read obscure novels or recondite philosophy after working in retail or on a construction site? Do you keep a dictionary in the bathroom to flip through while defecating?
If you’re the more scholarly sort: have you published any research? Do you have an Erdős number? Do you even know what an Erdős number is? (It’s OK if you don’t; it just means you’re not a mathematician.) Do you speak at conferences?
If you’re intelligent or educated, show it, because varied and interesting pillow talk can make a good relationship all the better. Just don’t brag about your IQ. You’re trying to find love, or at least get laid, not get into MENSA. Also, the only people likely to be impressed by your IQ are techbros who post on Hacker News and the sort of racists who mistake the authors of The Bell Curve for scientists. Unfortunately, these sets tend to overlap to a certain extent and they’re still human enough to get lonely, but if you want to date such people that’s your business; I’m not here to kink shame you.
Languages
Do you speak multiple languages? If so, how fluently? Are there languages you can read even though you don’t speak them fluently? (You’d be surprised at how many people want a lover to say lewd things to them in a language they don’t speak.)
Housing
Are you still living with your folks? Are you renting a place? Do you own a house or condo? Do you have the whole place to yourself or do you have roommates?
Financial Situation
How are you doing money-wise? No need for a detailed statement; you could just say you’re still paying off student loans, or that you’ve got a mortgage, a car payment, and or credit cards that you’re paying down.
Domestic Capabilities
Since many people date so that they can eventually marry, that means they will eventually end up living with somebody. So, what can you do to help contribute to the household? Can you cook? What sort of meals can you make? Or are you more the sort to bake treats? Do you prefer a neat home, or are you more comfortable with a bit of clutter? Do you try to keep the place spotless in case unexpected guests show up, or is cleaning more of a periodic thing for you?
Domestic Preferences
What sort of home environment do you prefer? For example, do you like a quiet house or are you the sort to have TV, Netflix, radio, a podcast, or an album on in the background to banish the silence or mask noise from outside? Do you have pets? What sort of pets do you prefer? Do you like cats, or are dogs more your style? Do you keep other pets, like fish, or birds, or reptiles, or even insects like tarantulas? “Tell us all about it, Janet,” say my cats Magenta and Columbia.
Hobbies & Leisure
We all know that all work and no play make Jack and Jill dull boys and girls, so what do you do for fun? If you’re going to go into long-winded detail in your dating profile, this is the place to do it. Don’t just say you like to read; tell us what you’ve been reading lately, whether you’re really into it or want to yeet it and its author into the outer darkness to serve as chew toys for dead gods whose names should not be mentioned in the light of day lest they stir and take notice. Likewise, don’t just tell people you like to watch Netflix. What shows and movies are you into, and do you participate in their fandoms? If you write, what do you write? Have you published anything, and is it still in print or otherwise available? Into music? Do you just listen, or do you also play or perform? What are your favorite artists or bands? What albums get heavy rotation? What songs make you feel seen, or give you what you need to do one more rep at the gym? Have you recorded your own songs or albums? If you find meaning and fulfillment outside of work, this is the place to show it.
If you feel uncomfortable going into detail about how you like to have fun when you aren’t working, take some time to explore that. Are you worried about being seen as a geek or a nerd? If so, I have news for you: the mere fact that you have a personal website, let alone that you’re thinking of adding a /dating page, means you’re a bit of a geek or nerd. So own it. Nobody has the right to make you apologize for being who you are, not even God.
Caregiving
Have you been a position where you had to care for others? Maybe you had to help raise your younger siblings because your parents were working too long for too many hours and thus weren’t around? Were you parentified by abusive or immature parents? Maybe your parents or grandparents were ill and you had to help fill in when professionals weren’t available to help? Perhaps you did the same for a spouse, or (heaven forbid) your own children? If you feel comfortable discussing such experiences, it might help you find partners more likely to understand the challenges you’ve faced because they faced them too.

What You Want

I put this last, even though I’m used to putting myself first, because my dating profile isn’t primarily for my benefit, but for others to decide if they’d be interested in dating me. If a prospective date (or would-be matchmaker) has gotten this far, they have probably decided that I might be worth an email or conversation. If they’re willing to reach out to me, then they might be interested in what I want from a relationship.

Premarital Sex?
If you don’t want to have sex before marriage, please be honest about your preference. Likewise, if there are some sexual things you’re OK with doing before marriage short of full intercourse. This can work out in your favor if, for example, you’re a Christian committed to “saving yourself” for marriage because people who don’t share your beliefs can avoid wasting your time and theirs.
Family Planning
Do you have children? Do you want to have children? Are you willing to get involved with somebody who has children from a previous relationship? Are you open to becoming a stepparent, or would you prefer not to be involved with your next partner’s children? These are questions worth considering. If you don’t want children, don’t want to date a parent, or don’t want to become a step-parent that is — or should be — perfectly valid; just don’t be an asshole about it.

Your Challenges

I had to think about what to call this section. I had considered calling it 'flaws', 'problems', or 'caveats', but none of them felt quite right. There are aspects of you that can make a relationship more complicated that aren’t necessarily flaws or problems. They might not even be your fault. Or they might be part of a past that you’re working to overcome.

Regardless, this is a space where — if you are up to it — you should engage in a bit of introspection and think about the parts of you that might make it harder to create a relationship. Here are some examples:

You should only disclose as much as you feel safe revealing, and in no greater detail than you feel comfortable sharing. You could admit on your /dating page that you’ve had difficulties with mental health, and then admit after a few dates the nature of your mental health challenges. Or, for example, you could merely say that you’re a former convict online and admit in person that when you were 18 you were convicted of DUI, did your time, quit drinking, and have been sober ever since.

That’s the reason I called this section challenges and not flaws. We’re all human. We’ve all made mistakes and we all have regrets. We’ve all hurt people and been hurt by people. We all have small dark lines on our hearts. None of us will get through life with unscarred souls. We all have parts of our lives that we’re not proud of, or things that others have used to shame us.

But if we can be honest about our shadows and tell people about how we’re working to overcome these parts of ourselves or at least not make them everybody else’s problem, we can prove ourselves responsible and relatable partners. And if we can be honest with ourselves about our problems, we can start to do something about them.

Considerations & Limitations

No matter how detailed your dating profile or that of your partner might be, it’s no substitute for actually talking to somebody, preferably in person. A /dating page can be a passable map of a person as a potential lover or spouse, but the map is not the territory and the profile is not the person. Somebody can sound perfect on paper, but when you meet them there might be no chemistry and no possibly of chemistry developing. There might be things that a person doesn’t even know about themselves yet that might turn out to be dealbreakers. You might think somebody’s just perfect for you, but all your friends are asking if they’ve recently visited Beijing or Pyongyang because they seem to be carrying a shitload of red flags.

There are no guarantees in dating. People creating profiles on their own websites might reduce some of the risks inherent in dating, but you can’t eliminate risk in life unless you devote your entire existence to avoiding other people and shutting them out so that they can’t hurt you. There’s a concept album about a guy who tried just that; it’s called The Wall, and Pink Floyd released it in 1979.

At best, a /dating page can help somebody decide if they want to get to know you better. It can offer starting points for conversation and suggest common interest. But it is no substitute for looking somebody in the eye and trusting your instincts, for no matter how carefully refined by education and experience, intellect can sometimes lead you astray and blind you to your heart’s truth. After all, we humans are better at rationalizing than at rationality, and often mistake the former for the latter.

I’ve been there myself. I had spent two years talking to Catherine over phone calls, emails, and instant messages before meeting her in person. I thought I was in love with her. It wasn’t until she pounced on me at the airport and kissed me that I knew for sure, because I had immediately drawn her into my embrace and kissed her back, returning the hunger in her kiss measure for measure. Even after I had returned home, I had spent months trying to deny through intellect what my emotions were telling me: which was that I wanted to be her man for as long as she’d have me. Or that I felt safe in her arms and would never stop wanting to bury my face in her hair as I held her close. I eventually let passion overrule reason, and have yet to regret it.

After all, it’s been twenty years since I first kissed my bride as her husband, and twenty-four years since I first emailed her. I still crave her embrace. Her kiss still sets me ablaze. I’m still mad for her, even when I’m occasionally mad at her. If she has me by the balls, it’s with my freely given consent. My love for her is a choice I make daily. It is my will, and my will be done. But it can be the hardest decision a person — especially a man — can make, precisely because it can lead to tragedy and end in tears.

Nevertheless, I remain steadfast in my refusal to care. Damn the risks and fuck the consequences, because none of us are getting out of this alive. Life is short, love is always over in the morning, and everything eventually ends in tears even if you aren’t around to shed them. Life is a suicide mission for which none of us can recall volunteering. I don’t know about you, but whether it’s Heaven or Hell that awaits me I mean to make God and the Devil alike fear the hour of my passing.

So, for all my cautions about the use of written profiles in dating, you are nevertheless welcome to try it yourself. If you think the template above is useful and you’re visiting with a desktop PC or laptop, you’re welcome to use "view source" and copy the HTML for use on your own page. By all means link to this page if you want to give credit for inspiration and help others, too.