I was interrupted at work today, not by another person, but by Microsoft’s Visual Studio. It wanted me to do a survey, and one of those questions concerned the probability that I would recommend Visual Studio 2022 to a friend.
Since the survey didn’t have a “Hell no, and fuck you for even asking” option, I made do with marking that question with a 0 to indicate that it was never going to happen. At least not before the heat death of the universe.
This is how I answer all such “would you recommend us to your friends” questions, because I read them through a cynical lens that translates them to, “Will you provide us with unpaid labor by doing word-of-mouth advertising1 and alienating your friends and family?”
My answer? Well, you’ve probably seen this movie before.
These coprophagous donkey molesters ought to be paying me just for giving them data. At least Nielsen includes a fiver when they mail me a survey. What the hell has Microsoft ever given me besides headaches and a trauma-born reflex to hit CTRL-S every 15 seconds or so?
While I don’t feel bad about trolling the likes of Microsoft when they solicit my opinion, it’s hard not to be irked by such questions even when you know that some poor bastard’s job could depend on how many favorable answers to that question they get. For example, when eating out at a family restaurant recently I was asked to answer such a question on the merchant’s copy of the bill.
Never mind that I tipped the server 25% on a $70 meal for three people ($17.50). Management wanted to know if I would recommend the restaurant on the basis of her service. And, frankly, the answer is no. Not because there was anything wrong with her service. She brought us what we ordered, kept the drinks flowing, and didn’t annoy us with questions. However, her service was not the only factor, and none of the other factors are within her control.
- The food wasn’t that much better than what Catherine and I could have made at home for ourselves.
- The restaurant was crowded and noisy.
- There was an unsupervised toddler in dire need of music lessons running around singing off key in a piercing voice that had me on edge for most of the meal.
None of that was the server’s fault, or anything she could fix, and she was working her ass off, so of course I tipped generously. But to ask if I’m willing to recommend a merely acceptable restaurant where I didn’t have a particularly enjoyable time on the basis of excellent service is over the line for several reasons.
- Being typical of middle-aged American men in this respect, I don’t have friends.
- If I had friends, pestering them with unsolicited recommendations would be an excellent way to alienate them; if they wanted advertising they could watch television.
- It is not my job to provide WOMM for every business that asks it of me2, and I sure as hell don’t get paid for it.
- Even if my friends asked my opinion, I might still not recommend that restaurant unless I was sure they’d enjoy eating there.
- Finally, whether or not I would recommend your business is none of your business. Who the fuck are you to even ask this question of your customers?
The older I get, the more I resent businesses asking, or outright expecting, me to do unpaid work for them – especially when it comes to helping them spread the word about their products, and most egregiously when it comes to operations that dominate their respective markets so thorougly as to merit investigation by the Federal Trade Commission for a possible antitrust lawsuit.
Yes, I’m talking about Microsoft again. Microsoft doesn’t need me to recommend Visual Studio 2022 to my friends. If I had friends who code for a living, and are using Microsoft tech at their day jobs, then chances are they’re already using Visual Studio or have at least heard about it. If they aren’t using it, it’s probably for an intelligible reason. They do not need to hear about Microsoft or Visual Studio from me.
Finally, I think this is the wrong question. What businesses should be asking is not whether I would recommend them to my friends, but whether I would warn my friends against them. If you have somebody telling their friends and family that they should avoid working for you or buying your products/services, then you have fucked up. If you’ve got thousands of people doing the same, then you have seriously fucked up because now you’re well on your way to a boycott3.
Honestly, I am just weary of all the sentiment analysis and customer relationship management to which I have become subject merely by existing in the totalitarian capitalism of the 21st century. It’s enough to make me want to retire to Montana, where I would devote my days to writing manifestos and raising dental floss.
I don’t care if you think it’s silly. I know it’s silly, but a man can dream…
Incidentally, a note to mobile app developers: if you ever prompt me for a review or a rating for a paid app you’ll get one star with no review. I already gave you money; what more do you want from me?
I was going to start referring to this sort of promotion as WOMAD, for “Word Of Mouth ADvertising”, but there’s already an acronym for this called WOMM.↩︎
Incidentally, this is one reason I tend to not write reviews for books, albums, and games – even if I enjoy them. Another is that I suspect that leaving reviews on the likes of Amazon does more for Amazon than it does for authors and musicians.↩︎
Incidentally, I’m already boycotting Microsoft to the extent that I can. I refuse to use their products on personal equipment, save for the authentication app I’ve installed on my personal phone because I’m not high enough in my employer’s hierarchy to merit a company-issued phone as well as a company-issued laptop. This is a minor violation of my own personal security guidelines, one of which is to never use the same device for work that one uses for pornography.↩︎